Chip the glasses and crack the plates!

I have a lot of love to give, but it's all refrained...I have to watch who I give it to because one move can change everything. I don't mean to hurt him, and I don't want to but somehow I am....just because I can't make up my mind...I can't choose between a guy who claims he loves me who I have had a crush on since September, and one who is in love with me recently....but I know which one is hurting the most. Why I do it...I do not know. It's not fair to any of them or myself, I know who I love the most I really do, but its not love yet if that makes any sense....its just strong feeling that feel like love that will eventually turn into love. I haven't met a guy who has felt this way about me in a long time,and i appreciate it. I should just show him how much I appreciate it instead of keeping it all inside just because I want to try and please others rather than myself. Am I going to make a mistake, and lose something of value to me forever just because I want to experience the dream of dating this one guy? I broke the first glass blocking the way between him and I and it was because he gave me the permission to break it, but there is only one problem....there is a second glass between us...and it is had to break....very hard to break and it makes me want him more, yet i want the guy who is by my side who has helped me through this journey and broke the first glass with me. The only problem is...he wants to help me break the second glass, but if I do his love is gone forever. He treats me so good that he would cross the fire for me on his way back and do the same thing over again while coming back to get me...He is the type of person who would take me in if he saw I wasn't happy, and he would do all he can.



In this notebook of broken dreams
Nothing is at all what it seems
You can see, but you can't touch
I never knew someone could love that much

Life is busy right now, but that is a good thing. If it wasn't busy then it wouldn't be productive, therefore boring. Midterms are coming up: I have one test in the History of Music in the Western Civilization (one of my favorite classes) and the rest of my midterms are papers. I am doing great in college, but I won't mention my grades because I want to remain humble. ~my social life is blooming, i meet people every day and last night I played man hunt with a few people on campus~ the halloween party is this Thursday, if anyone wants to come with me let me know. i am dressing up for the first time in years! I am going to be a crimson fairy<3 i was thinking of either that or the angel, but I thought color=better :)


Life is getting better, and it will continue to be that way.

My college experience has been a bumpy road, but at times it can be rather fun. I like how my college is right by my house, so I can have some solitude on the weekends, and I am still able to hang out with my local friends :) Last week Roxanne had Fall break and we hung out for two days! On Saturday I went to her house and we had a lot of catching up to do, we went to the park<3 and then to the mall, after that we watched fruits basket(best anime ever!) ^.^ I was so excited when I lifted her Firby up and it started singing! baby firby! lol! Yesterday I hung out with Lisa and Erica(whom is my friend from college) we had a lot of fun seeing u-tube clips of adam pascal and rent as a whole. Then we watched rent for a little while.
Academically, I am doing awesome A's and B's in my subjects so far. Principles of writing is my favorite class, one of the assignments was to write a personal essay, she wrote a personal message back, and it really relates toward what I am going through at this moment of my life. I am strong enough to fight it, I must walk forward, stand up to myself and be independant. I must take care of myself and not just others. No one can bring me down, my future is bright. ((^.^))Pumpkin.

Amanda sets sail across the Pacific Ocean, heading aimlessly through the blue mist of the earth. I must not look back the pain is too severe. She only watches the ocean because it calms her anxiety down. An aroma of salt water that fills the air opens her senses. Freedom surrounds Amanda, free at last. When she is sailing across the ocean, worries fade away.
Suddenly, the sky turns as black as a black cat. Lightening spontaneously fills each part of the sky. Memories fill Amanda’s mind. I miss the way he held me as we sat upon the balcony and would watch lightening together. The waves splashed upon the boat. Once again, Amanda’s anxiety took over.
Having little control over the boat because of tears running down her face; our sky begins crying with Amanda. Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can say; a total eclipse of the heart. Memories: good and bad raced through her mind as a mad man would race down the street, seventeen times or more. I didn’t plan looking back at my past. Why must I be vulnerable? Why did we laugh together? Why did we scream at one another over the smallest things?
Looking ahead, she sees a small island. At the moment it seems only ten miles away. As soon as Amanda gets there, she jumps out of the boat, and lays face down upon the sand. The waves splash of the beach splashed against her feet. I miss him why won’t he come back? If he came back then I would of not ran away from all of my problems. I’m rather far from them, but that is not the best idea. If problems aren’t solved, they come back eventually. In the past, I remember how we would talk things out together.
Amanda’s mind quieted itself down, and as she found peace with herself, a dream came upon her. Amanda and her ex-boyfriend Brian; were in love again. Together, they spent quality time on this island where she lay as the dream floats through her mind. In her dream, small problems seem non-existent. Arguing was out of the picture altogether. As children often do, they splashed one another as they danced in the water. Laughing, holding hands, and kissing; she was dreaming of paradise.
An unfortunate event took place for Amanda: The next morning had soon come to an opening. Oh it was only a dream, today is just another ordinary day without him. I remember the time when him and I would tell one another simple thoughts. One of our common thoughts was of becoming stranded on an island together. How wonderful it would be! I would make a beautiful bathing suite; coconuts for a top and leaves sewn together as a skirt. What a beautiful thought.
Amanda started crying once more, and as this was happening at six o’clock in the morning, a hurricane hit the island. Trees fell from left and right. A palm tree came down almost hitting Amanda, but she rolled out of the way. Crying won’t make the situation better. Why do these storms insist on coming? They bring back memories good and bad. The bad ones hurt as well as the good. I regret the bad memories and reliving the good ones will come someday, but I want them back this very moment. Why do I believe that someday him and I will find our-selves in love again?
Finally, the storm stopped and she went bathing in the water. The water was calm, and once again she found peace within herself. There were coconut trees around her and she broke one open having a taste of milk. This milk is quite comforting, and helps me cool down. Sounds of birds, the ocean, and wind are all worth living for. Wind blew through her hair and it helped her forget about her problems for the time being.
As soon as she walked toward the boat, getting ready to set sail; a voice came behind her and says “You were eighteen years old, and now you are Twenty. It has been two years since I have lost love for you. Amanda, though you have truly blossomed into a mature woman, I came to remind you that when we were together, you were always my inspiration. I love you once more. Together, we will be one in the next life. Could that be Brian? My life is complete again! “Brian, I have always loved you.” As she said this Amanda ran toward Brian and made an open arm motion. Her arms tried ringing around but she went through him. He was a ghost, and has been dead for a year.

I agree, aim can be a bad choice when it comes to communicating because your emotions take you over and you just type what you don't mean. Kev and I fought a lot online...if it wasn't for online I think that him and I would still be together right now because whenever I was really sad or pmsing...to the computer I went! letting it all out, not even realizing how much I hurt him because of my saying what I don't mean thing. And when you are typing, sometimes its hard to remain calm cause you want that person near you, to look you in the eye and listen when you are getting a point across..but it doesn't work online so you get aggitated..and I did this every time i missed him, that is why i gave him a hard time when he was in Trinidad... and I feel really really really really guilty...I still love him.. So a little advice, when you are sad on aim, just talk to me and let it all out, I don't mind, I won't get insulted.

He was the complement of me, my other half,, he completed me... and now he's gone forever :(

Heyy, nothing really went on today; I went to SJB to watch my cousin play football in the rain. The rain didn't bother me too much :) and usually I get depressed from the rain, though this past year was different, the rain makes me just as happy as if it was sunny :) So I sat there, watched SJB kick my cousins teams' butt and enjoyed the rain as everyone else complained,olol..my pants were soaked but who cares! that's why there is a washing machine and dryer! lol, me and steph went puddle diving the other day and my pants were soaked there too, and im still alive! the acid rain didn't kill me yet, haha, now im just hanging out in my room and chatting with friends

leave a comment if you want to<3

Note to self: Melissa, just keep building good Karma the way you did before highschool, and life will get better<3

Love has never been a friend of mine. Throughout my four years of high school I have been dating the same person. He taught me one thing about a relationship: always trust the one you love. If you do not have trust then where does love come into play?
Our first year of dating started out on a bad note; it was obvious how I did not trust him. I never wanted him socializing with another girl besides me. Sometimes I would get jealous and start an argument with him. He would always tell me to trust him and to believe when he said “I love you for who you are Melissa, don't ever change.” I did not listen to what he had to say most of the time. Stubbornness took over my mind and I would fight him back thinking it too good to be true. I never thought a person outside of my family would love me.
Every night him and I would communicate on instant messenger. As soon as I felt insecure about something I would let him know. He would tell me reasons on why I should not feel the insecurity that I did. Unfortunately, I did not listen or believe in the advice he was trying to give to me. I would fight him back, debating with every thing he said. As I look back, his words were comforting and I miss them.
He forgave me every time that I would try disproving his advice, and this was because he noticed how severe my insecurity was. There was a point in our relationship where we figured my insecurity had a lot to do with low self-esteem. We looked up information on websites on ways to improve my self-esteem. I was careless, and I did not even recognize it. Correcting my mistakes did not happen because I did not work hard enough on them. It was impossible for me to accept the compliments he was giving me. Every time he complimented me on my eyes I would ask “How can my eyes be pretty if I do not think they are pretty?”

During the summer, he had college orientation for one week. As he was attending college orientation I called his cellular phone constantly. I proceeded to ask many questions about time spent there. The fact that he was meeting other girls scared me. I kept asking asking him if his new friends were girls. Unfortunately, he was mad at me when he came back from orientation due to my lack of trust.
He told me I should not worry if he speaks to other girls, because he I am the only one he loves. That same week I saw the girls on his cellular phone. Him and I argued about this because I wanted him to dispose the girls from his phone and he would not. Pushing things to the limit; I made him angrier at me. I noticed how his faith for our relationship was slowly diminishing.
Finally, I surrendered and agreed with him about having girls on his phone. It is plain to see that my possessiveness over him increased as time went on. The excessive possessiveness was all due to my lack of trust for him. We fought almost every day during the summer, I kept complaining that he would find a better girl in college. Sometimes, I would give him an attitude if I was having a bad day. My attitude would lead us to arguments, I did not know how to handle problems civilly. No matter how hard he tried
speaking to me calmly I would not calm down. When I panic about something, or if something get me angry I do not think when I speak. This is exactly what happened when I felt insecure, I would get very upset and say things that I did not mean.
As time went on, our relationship started becoming weak. The day before college we had another argument because him and I both had a bad day. I promised him that the next day would be better for the both of us, and it was. Unfortunately, I complained to him because I hardly saw him on instant messaging. During the first week of college we broke up, and he told me how I pushed his love away. I learned my lesson, I will never distrust the one I love again. Now, the love of my life is gone forever and it is all my fault.

-Melissa

You are my shield from darkness
Your light shines upon me
Be my streak of light always
Shine your firey eyes on the walls
The walls of our unfortunate past

Shield from darkness
You save me from my fear
Grab my hand, make everything dissapear
As you hide me, in your light

You are my winged shadow
Sent to me from the gods of fate
Follow me through a dark cave
Teach me how to find your light
In this game called love

Winged shadow
Fly away
After your burn the walls
of our unfortunate past
Promise to come back someday
For you will always be
my shield from darkness
Shining your light upon me.

Be my streak of light always<3



*If anyone has an idea of a name for this poem let me know*
i love you all

You look in my eyes
And I get emotional
Inside
I know it's crazy but
You still can touch my heart
And after all this time
You'd think that I
Wouldn't feel the same
But time melts into nothing
And nothing's changed

I still believe, someday you and me
Will find ourselves in love again
I had a dream, someday you and me
Will find ourselves in love again

Each day of my life
I'm filled with all the joy
I could find
You know that I am not the desperate type
If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp
I'll hold it with both hands
It's worth the risk of burning
To have a second chance
I need you baby
I still believe that we can be together

If we believe that true love never has to end
Then we must know that we will love again

Sorry about me not being able to update my journal lately. I have been extremly busy with college, there are so many papers to write:oP and pages to read. I am pretty sure that I will do fine in college, even though the work is so overwhelming..i'll make it through. I love my roomates they are all so sweet and easy to talk to. Whenever I have a problem, they are always there to listen, and we laugh at the stupidest things lolz whether it be some robot saying "BLURP!" in my answering machine or some person being a beast just because they are so there :oP! I feel as if I found myself already, I am comfortable with who I am and so are my friends in college. I also met my mothers friends daughter her and I have in common as well, we are going to work out at the gym together ^.^ and since our boyfriends are both into computers, we were talking about having a double date.


~Everything is fine for now~

leave a comment if you have to


**Fly away my eagle, for I will be behind you, loving you the whole time** -meli

Thank you for being so loyal<33

I searched a thousand oceans
just to find the one
The one who I can call my own
The one who can make me feel at home

I searched a thousand moons
just to find out that soon
That you would be the one
you would be the one

hold my hand... we can get through this

So we danced
we danced through the fire for some time
just to find out
that we would be dancing through the roses
for a lifetime

loyalty, trust, hope, faith, and love are the keys to our hears
the hearts are the doors which help us
help us escape the fire

Hosted at YourSpaceNow.com

Hosted at YourSpaceNow.com

Hosted at YourSpaceNow.com

Hosted at YourSpaceNow.com

Hosted at YourSpaceNow.com

Hosted at YourSpaceNow.com

Hosted at YourSpaceNow.com

hold my hand...we can get through this

This link is useful when you feel angry

http://www.pe2000.com/anger_artl.htm

There's no use for me or anyone to be angry anymore. Not everything goes the way we want them too. I'm just glad I have a boyfriend who lets a girl know right away that he is taken. I love him so much, and I hope he is having a great time right now on his big day.

Yesterday was a ton of fun! I went to the city yesterday morning with Kevin, Andrew, and Roxanne ^.^! The first thing that we did was go to the Museum of National history, it's a really nice place with ancient artifacts and animals that were literally stuffed which the guys kept staring at and wondered if the animals tasted like chicken...lol!! and they kept referencing the weapons to DnD and WoW haha, leave it to them ^.^

Kevin brought me over to this exhibit which had black, naked cave men and I was like "ewww, I know you love to look at that kevi" lolol me and Roxanne were a bit disturbed by the stuffed animals, so I just pretended they were plastic so that I wouldn't disturb myself even more once I saw really small birds that were sooooooo cute and beautiful<33
poor things

Central park is the best park I have ever been to! the view of the buildings over the lake is nice, and so is the bike trail that we walked<33 there was a cannopy right next to the lke that the four of us sat on, until a huge bee came by my face... that's when we decided a bench away from the water would be better. lolz

Even though it rained a little, we didnt mind..it's just water, so we ran to the Japanese restaurant called Mishima on Lexington Avenue<33 we were the only ones in there at first which was good since we had to finish in time before the 7:00 movie that we had to catch at ImagineAsia. We saw Full Metal Alchemist World Premiere!<33 it was a really good movie! minus the screaming fan girls who you just want to slash their throats witha knife thank you very ^.^

Some weird guy:***SPIDER MONSTER***
Me:*****OMG AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**** lol Roxanne
Kevin: -_-

LEAVE A COMMENT PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE
*HINT HINT HINTTT KEVINNNNN*

Heyyyyyy, today was pretty cool.. I was busy all day :) first, Lisa picked me up from my house and we hung out all day. She bought really nice clothes from Dots which was a great choice since everything was on sale, super sale! Kevin came over when I went home, and he told me and my family about his trip, he didn't look too happy in the pictures, I felt bad. The pictures of the beaches were beautiful, he might give me one of his pictures so I can upload it on my desktop :) Kevi gave me a magnet with a hummingbird on it xoxo and a beautiful shell necklace, which has light blue shells all around and then a big shell in the middle, he didnt have to buy it, but it was nice that he thought of me<3

I love him so much, all I want to do is make him happy and for me to get happiness in return.

~please comment~

I need to see if others care

~We are so lucky to have one another~

~Our song~
1-24-03



I still hear your voice,
When you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch,
in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness,
But I dont know why,
Without you it's hard to survive

(chorus)
'Cause every time we touch,
I get this feeling
And every time we kiss,
I swear I can fly
Can't you feel my heart beat fast,
I want this to last,
Need you by my side
'Cause every time we touch,
I feel the static,
And every time we kiss,
I reach for the sky,
Can't you hear my heart beat slow
I can't let you go,
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle,
Your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry (I cry)
The good and the bad times,
We've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall..

(chorus)
'Cause every time we touch,
I get this feeling
And every time we kiss,
I swear I can fly
Can't you feel my heart beat fast,
I want this to last,
Need you by my side
'Cause every time we touch,
I feel the static,
And every time we kiss,
I reach for the sky,
Can't you hear my heart beat slow,
I can't let you go,
Want you in my life.

'Cause every time we touch,
I get this feeling
And every time we kiss,
I swear I can fly,
Can't you feel my heart beat fast,
I want this to last,
Need you by my side

I have been reflecting, and I thought about how caring Kevin is, and it's not as if I have never recognized it before. Distance makes us wise, and even though I appreciate how caring he is, I want to embrace it with love and even more appreciation than ever...especially since I put him through a lot of drama sometimes, it is very caring and loving all at the same time for him to actually stay with me through all of the hardships that were in our past. If it were some other guy, he would have left me already..Kevin isn't like those other guys, and I just want to thank him and apoligize for my lack of maturity.


~I wish I could show my love for you better~

hey, don't worry. relationships of any kind can be hard work, its up to you to work at it. The way that I look at life would be that it is a game, a very challenging one...but it is not a game where you win or lose and that's final..it is a game where you win sometimes, and lose other times, depending on certain situations. You won part of the game called life by graduating highschool, which is a success. To you, you feel like you lost the game just because you will be away from your friends, and you dont like the way you sound when you express yourself in writing. You thought wrong, because you haven't lost, I feel you are a winner because you know how to express yourself and it is a very healthy thing to do. It is not good to keep all of your feelings to yourself, because one day you will explode and let your anger out in a bad way. When it comes down to being a winner instead of a loser dealing with your friends.. you havent lost part of the game because your friends love you and always will(unless you do something to really tick them off, and I doubt you'll do that).

just remember
strive to win more of the game
Rather than a portion of the game.

kevi might come home early from trinidad!! if he does, then he is taking a flight with his brother and his mom will stay for the rest of the week!! he misses me sooo much a.k.a he is melisick and i am definately kevisick! i cant wait to see himmmmmmm i hope his mom actually lets him go, its his life.... :oP